There’s plenty to like about Rudy Fernandez, but singing and guitar tickling ain’t among them. In the relentless, Sprite-orchestrated campaign to get fans to vote for the final competitor in this year’s All-Star Weekend Slam Dunk Contest, it’s possible that they have finally pushed the envelope too far. And true, this is nowhere near as bad as Russell Westbrook’s trumpet playing. But nonetheless, Rudy has earned himself a spot on the Hater Tuesday athlete music review with this rendition of “Vota Me.”

Turman

Credibility: (n) The quality, capability, or power to elicit belief.

At what point does a person or product lose credibility? How about losing two games in a row to the worst teams in the NBA? That right there could very well have been the final nail in the coffin for the “We Believe” movement. The truth is that nobody in the Warriors organization who is making decisions about the direction of the team has an iota of credibility left. It’s sad that not even Don Nelson can rely on his reputation as the second-winningest coach in the NBA to carry his cred through this s@#t storm. How could this have been avoided? Well, I’m going to point to a rather odd comparison. Hear me out on this.

On Saturday, I wandered down near The Whole Foods by my house in Oakland. There was this massive line outside made up of people who looked like they were time-ported from a 1997 Lollapalooza Concert. Turns out, the lead singer from the band Tool, Maynard, was there for a “wine signing.” This is kind of like a book signing or album signing but with wine, and Maynard was here to sign bottles of his new concoction “Caduceus.” One thing I always liked about industrial rock fans, and Tool fans specifically, is they were pretty scary. Not in a “Halloween” kind-of-scary, but in a “nerd-with-dark-thoughts” kind-of-scary. That’s how you can tell the white people with dreadlocks apart. If they’re wearing giant black military boots, trench coats, and look like they have the emotions of a replicant, then they’re probably not hippies, and quite probably Tool fans. So, how can someone so hardcore end up doing something as douchey as starting a winery, and then go on a “wine tour” of Whole Foods Markets no less, and still maintain his credibility?

The answer is time and consistency. Maynard grew a grassroots fan base for his music over a very long period of time, without much variation, giving his fans more of what they wanted to hear. Today, he could make an album with Miley Cyrus and his fans would still buy that ish. And I guess that brings me back to The Warriors. Too many changes without successful results will lead to a credibility problem. How could this have been avoided? Easy. All the management needed to do was show an effort to keep the core members of the Playoff Team together for at least three years. Even if that team never went back to the playoffs. This would have gone a very long way for the credibility of the Warriors Organization. But instead, here we are in 2009 and all the cred that the franchise started to build the last couple of seasons we’ve shrugged off with the coming of the new year. The truth has sunk in that the Warriors, at least under this owner, have never been a team to believe in. Because of this massive loss in credibility (or at least “perceived” credibility), I believe many fans will stop paying attention. And for those of us “long-time” fans, it’s back to the same. The 2006-2007 season was like a rare vintage year for us. The stars aligned, the elements collaborated in our little micro-climate and we could all nearly taste perfection. We’re like Cisco-drinking bums who got handed a bottle of Stags Leap. We all should have known it was too good to be true.

M. Meschery

Two tall, slender (and underdeveloped) fours sat during the loss against the Boozer-less Jazz tonight.  This time A. Randolph was joined a 10-day contractor, Jermareo Davidson. If you hadn’t heard, the Warriors waived Oakland native and former Duke star DeMarcus Nelson to bring up a new dude. Apparently to ride the pine with dog house Tony.

More here at the Coco Times.

Jermareo, a 6-10 Forward from the Crimson Tide, was actually drafted by the Warriors in 2007, but was moved to Charlotte as a part of the deal that sent J. Rich  to the Bobcats in exchanged for B. Wright. Remember that?

Well, the Bobcats waived the seldom-used Davidson, who has since been playing in the D-League. He’s averaging about 16 and 10. Not bad numbers. But reading up on his strengths and weaknesses, it all sounds a bit too familiar. You can read more details at NBADraft.net.

Hey, who knows, maybe next week the Dubs will waive the other busted guard, Marcus Williams, and bring up our boy Rod Benson! I just read he’s back from Europe, riding buses and staying in flea bags with the rest of the crew from the Dakota Wizards.

Then we could have the “Triplett’s of Pineville”.

I’m not bitter. Really.

Gd.

As any Warriors fan of any tenure can tell you, rooting for this team during years like this can become downright funereal by mid-February. And while I’m still willing to be a pallbearer, I’m not sure I need to spend too much time at the microphone lamenting what could have been. Loving the Warriors is an exquisite brand of torment, and one devoid of the glory associated with other long-suffering fan bases. Sure, we have the title that defined my childhood, but basically the Warriors haven’t been out of the second round of the playoffs in so long that it takes a particular brand of masochist to embrace the ritual. Why? Simple.

As was once famously said of the city of Oakland, there isn’t enough “there” there. For the Dubs this takes a little explainin’. But, the main thing is this: in the years between championships, the Warriors’ brand of futility has lacked imagination and prestige. Essentially, we are Chicago Cubs fans without a Steve Bartman to blame. Pre-parade Red Sox’ers without the “Curse of the Bambino.” As a Cal football fan at least I can lean on “high academic standards” as my cause celebre for failures on the field. The Warriors give us no such luxuries. And this is what is curious. While the Warriors have one of the league’s most passionate and informed fan bases, we are nearly blind to the beauty all around us for our myopia. Thus my resolution. The world is filled with beautifully played basketball. And I intend to watch more of it. Never mind that we rightfully inhabit the nation’s fourth-largest media market and regularly fill the Oracle Arena. Who cares if we can call out missed defensive switches, but somehow can’t provide enough revenue to the bean counters to justify fielding a winning squad? I’m tired of the chasing the hurt with vainglorious shortsightedness. So. What to do?

As a show of resolve, I will travel to Portland this Friday. The Warriors will play the Blazers on Saturday night. Of course, I will be there as a Warriors fan, sitting in relative proximity to the team bench. But I am also going there because I like what’s going on in P-Town. Oh, I’ve been paying attention. I’ve been catching their games on NBA League Pass, and frankly Portland is an easy team to like. More on them in the days to come. Because this isn’t just about the NBA. It’s about going to the outdoor runs on Saturday. It’s about going down to Haas Pavilion and checking out the rising fortunes of my Cal Bears. Hell, catching a high-school game once in a while. And playing. Always playing.

For Warriors fans to break from the decades-long malaise that plagues us, it means embracing the peculiar art of compartmentalization. We can be fans of the team without being imprisoned by it. We can hope for better, while embracing it where we can find it. And we can “believe” without being blind.

Happy New Year to all,

Turman

PS. My top-ten resolution for the Warriors. 10) For Stephen Jackson to look less like me at the YMCA on Saturday, dribbling into four defenders and then forcing a shot. 9) For Moped Monta to work even harder than pre-moped Monta and show people that youthful exuberance can be an asset if it makes you work harder for yours. 8 ) For Anthony Randolph to realize that he isn’t at LSU anymore and that better players than him have suffered unkind words from Don Nelson. 7) For Chris Mullin to make an effing blockbuster deal before the deadline. 6) For CJ Watson to stick as a bona-fide #2 point. 5) For Brandan Wright to turn into a defensive specialist. 4) For Marco Belinelli to get a chip on his shoulder and dare somebody to knock it off. 3) For Andris Biedrins to get angry. 2) For the Warriors to find a true number-one point guard to run the show, from within or elsewhere, I do not care. 1) For Robert Rowell and Chris Cohan to take the team public and allow a consortium of knowledgeable investors to take over ownership and management responsibilities of the Golden State Warriors.

PPS. The fine artwork that accompanies this post is again the work of Joel Kimmel, subject of a fine-art Friday take a few months back.

Okay, I haven’t bought the book yet, but, between the illustrations (by Jacob Weinstein) and the interactive excerpts (like the one in the widget after the jump), I’m putting it on the top of my list for 2009. Frankly, the fact that it’s positioned at intersection of culture and basketball (with colorful pictures) puts it firmly in FTB’s wheelhouse.

Penned by FreeDarko’s “chief operative”, Mr. Bethlehem Shoals, the book is described as follows:

The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac functions simultaneously as the ultimate basketball book for the ultimate NBA fan as well as the ideal sports book for the person with no interest in sports. This book will satiate the passionate sports fan’s desire to see athleticism legitimized as a cultural element extending beyond mere cro-magnon brawn.

Within the pages of this tome, NBA hoopery collides with Japanese noise-rock, municipal politics, experimental zoology, Belgian surrealism, and behavioral economics like never before. The mystical deities of this hallowed league of professional basketball are finally given the treatment they deserved, as they are scrutinized not as men, but as embodiments of our own core cultural values and insecurities.

Whereas past sports-literary endeavors have attempted to paint sports as a metaphor for life or life as a metaphor for sport, we depict the National Basketball Association as a universe unlike any that one would encounter in daily existence. The NBA is a sphere in which Indiana farmboys, housing project messiahs, African tribesmen, and escapees from war-torn Eastern Bloc countries, coalesce by the nature of their superhuman physicality.

The excerpt from “When They Were Mayors” is kicked off by one of FTB’s favorite subjects, Stephen Jackson. And while the illustration may be a tad unflattering (seen above), they do make a good case for his future mayoral candidacy of Port Arthur, Texas. At least I found it far more convincing then Elton Brand running in Peekskill, NY. Certainly Clippers fans have seen how Mr. Brand treats his campaign promises.

Regardless, you can learn more about book here. And, make the jump below to take a look at the fore mentioned interactive except widgety-thing.

Gd.

“That’s all we talked about,” Jackson said. “I went to his house, spent some time with his mom and his grandmother. He wants to come back. And if he wants to come back, I want him back.” Jackson [also] said he’s going to be the president of the “Bring B.D. Back” campaign. “I think that would be great for us,” Jackson said. “Coach loves him. Him and (guard) Monta (Ellis) have good chemistry. If they could work that out, that would be great for the organization.”

Frozone sure knows how to put the cool in being a super. By putting his boss on blast, of course! And since he’s able to freeze the moisture in air quicker than you can say ice, he can glide through any trouble that this might create, right? Well, we might just see. If Jack can work that Frozone magic on Robert Rowell where Chris Mullin couldn’t, he definitely gets the key to the city from me. Perhaps he’s not to be underestimated. After all he did successfully negotiate his own deal with Rowell, and he and Bobby are reportedly pretty chummy. Who knows, maybe he’ll be remade as the first player/GM in league history. But jokes aside, if anyone has leverage in the corner office, it might just be the man with the power to cool folks down at will. Because certainly any deal would involve some “emotional repositioning statements” from the front office. But as with any half-good rumor some interesting possibilities are already lighting up the Internets, most notably these.

First, there’s the matter of the other guy in the muscle suit. You know, the alleged super who is nursing a hamstring injury into double digits in terms of games missed. Well, apparently, Clippers owner Donald Sterling never really wanted to see Corey Maggette go. Hmm. Second, Mr. Incredible hasn’t really been himself in Cryptkeeper Dunleavy’s slow-it-down offense. Third, the Warriors have several possible point guards that could be packaged with Maggs to make the salary-cap numbers work if the vibe were to be right about making a deal. Marcus Williams anyone?

There doesn’t seem to be much to this right now, at least in the sense of any dealmaking, but let’s have some fun with the rumor and/or innuendo. And let’s see what the vibe is around these parts. It’s probably not a huge surprise to guess where we FTB’ers stand on such a possibility, but let’s take a little vote and hear from some of y’all in the comments.

Turman

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

PS. The Dubs pulled one out tonight to make it two out of the last three. Not a bad night. Marco continues to toughen up before our eyes and Frozone went for 30 points, 7 assists and 7 boards.

PPS. Props to Dolin for the PhotoShop phreshness.

I’ve never had a beard with much heft to it, and so I’ve often wondered for those with more bearditude, is getting “stuff” caught in it a big problem? I mean, sure, if you’re a hobo or a Borneo Headhunter, it’s probably natural to have stuff in your beard occasionally, but for the average fully-bearded dude, I kind of doubt there are a lot of unaccounted for Cheetos disappearing in the dark matter of man-moss. But then again, I could be wrong. According to the good people over at Stuffinmybeard.com, the beard is “nature’s bib.” This leads me to believe that my ancient ancestors were fed up with getting mastadon blood all over their chests, and thus, nature has provided the males of our species the Darwinian utility of the beard (sorry ladies).

I’m not quite buying it, but nonetheless Stuffinmybeard is doing big things in the world of beard-related blogs, and for this, they deserve our praise. Based on their logo, it looks like they may have been “inspired” by our “Beard Up Bay Area” campaign with it’s famed paper beard, and if this is so, they deserve our praise again.

Ah, if we were only so singularly focused! Unfortunately, we have to waste countless hours watching NBA League Pass, or awaiting the unforeseeable Hyphy revival, and then try and blog about it. With the way our favorite Western Conference teams are playing and the Bay Area music scene so far under ground it’s barely a tremor beneath our feet, and the economy crumbling, maybe we should become more beardcentric and try and cash in on this beard blog gravy train? Afterall, a beard should be good for catching gravy, right?

M. Meschery

Perhaps it wasn’t fair to leave you with two unholy musical spectacles. And while the Warriors seem to be imploding both on and off the court, we really do have much to be thankful for.

Like the fact that FTB’s own Michael Marshall made his second appearance on Warrior’s Weekly this season. This time showcasing the single, “Money Makin’ Music”, featuring long time collaborator Equipto. Some much needed Bay Area cheer.

We sure hope everyone is having a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa. But about that little gift against the Cs tonight? I’m not saying I’m without all hope, but if I were you, I’d be counting my other blessings.

Gd.

I felt compelled to bring the confusing spectacle of Reh Dogg back for one last holiday hurrah, but don’t take it personally. It’s tagged Hater Tuesday on principle, but the sentiment is anything but. Here’s to hoping that everyone out there in FTBville has a happy and safe holiday. Love to you and yours and all of that.

Turman

I didn’t even realize that awesome could be this awesome. And as a consequence, I weep for our collective lameness. Christopher Dane Owens is, on the surface, pretty hateable. But he’s also the creator of this impossibly awesome confluence of multi-dimensional cheesiness. And boy does this clip change everything. It’s like he got a 20 every time he rolled the big Dungeons and Dragons dice of life. And then rolled all that good luck up into four minutes and seventeen seconds of YouTube greatness. Sure, it took a huge, largely self-funded budget (he’s a well-paid TV producer by day). And sure, it’s a bit confusing, but when you’re trying to pack this much awesome into 4:17, sacrifices must be made. But don’t listen to me, here’s Calabassas, CA-based Christopher in his own words, courtesy of the LA Times.

My character is part of the witches kingdom, which is the second kingdom. I’m actually part of their army and an enforcer, a general, if you will. I meet that young lady Arra who is secretly being trained by the angels and they hand her a book. That book is the book of golden symbols which can only be understood by the spirit, by the living soul. She’s being trained secretly to be the queen of this realm, to overthrow the forces of darkness. My character actually meets her and falls in love with her and decides to leave the dark side, so he has an epiphany.

Dude, wait. What? That’s totally some Narnia meets Final Fantasy, has sex and makes an awesome, unhateable three-headed baby type ish. In other words: awesomeness redefined by spectacular geek-out overload.

The rub? Try watching it twice. You’ll start feeling weird. Okay, three times and you’ll survive. But not four. Four? Four is the tipping point. Four views and you will be living in your parents’ basement, wearing virtual-reality goggles all the time, playing World of Warcraft 22 hours a day, and your best friend will be someone you don’t know who’s screen name is “Gorf the Avenger.”

Turman

PS. Read the whole LA Times piece here. Oh, and the Dubs got crushed by Jameer Nelson and the Magic again, losing ugly on the road to match their ugly home loss of just a week ago. Sweet.

PPS. Props to Dolin for the steal and Meschery for the assist.