I used to watch a lot of television. And in the course of that viewing, a few things stuck. Like this infomercial. Was it really named after a daughter named Nadine? We can only guess. But the perfect symmetry of the moment lives on, give or take an apostraphe. Possessive or not, Nad’s best infomercial was, and is, a perfect moment of televised pogonophobia.
Turman
This isn’t a particularly well-edited highlight of tonight’s summer-league win for the Warriors, but it’s enough to get the point across. For those without NBA TV, you’re missing out. Summer-league ball is sort of like watching some sort of crazy melange of YMCA dudes and future stars. One guy throws a three foot hook shot over the backboard and another guy is draining 40 footers at the halftime break. As for the latter, that would be Belinelli, the new king of summer league. Just like last year, he was big time in the small show. Bonus: this year, he’s sporting some manner of a “neard.” Perhaps it will fill in by midseason.
Keep hope alive,
Turman
“Someone had to do something for the guy” said Clay Bennet, the owner of the former Seattle team now relocated to Oklahoma City.
“I just kind of felt sorry for him. Seriously, George Shinn, Chris Cohan, David Sterling, if no one is going to build a team around this guy, I will…even if he’s not, like, physically here.”
Bennet said that by naming their team, “The Oklahoma Barons” after Baron Davis, he could pretty much ensure that one day Baron (or at least a Baron) will win an NBA Championship, instead of sailing away into NBA obscurity with the likes of The LA Clippers.
“I got the idea back in 2001 when The Grizzlies were moving to Memphis, and I thought that they should change their name to ‘The Memphis Mutombos.’ I didn’t have a great reason for it, but I just really liked how that guy played the game.”
When asked about having an NBA Team named after him, Baron Davis responded,
“I’m honored and humbled that OKC would name their team after me. I would have thought we’d see The Jordans, The Chamberlains, or The Kareems first, buy hey, The Barons sounds pretty good, and I dig those Jerseys. Does my lawyer know about this?”
Bennet will also make a team policy that the players and coaching staff will grow beards in honor of Davis. However Kevin Durant’s agent has sent a letter to the team saying that his client will be opting out of the policy for “obvious reasons.”
M. Meschery
At 3:45 pm on July 9th, 2008, sports writer and blogger Tim Kawakami died in a classic battle of man versus machine. After 7 straight days of blogging fueled by Sparks Malt Liquor and a lingering contempt for Baron Davis, Tim Kawakami wrote his final post. Leading up to his battle with the NBA Trade Machine, Kawakami was feeling confident practicing his skills in the areas of capalogy, salaryology, and luxury taxology by speculating on various free agent scenarios for the Golden State Warriors. He considered his mid-level exception assesment of unrestricted free agent Gordan Giricek as one of his finest moments.
It was after The Golden State Warriors lost their bid for Elton Brand and committed to sign another former Clipper, Corey Maggette, that Kawakami decided he was ready to take on The Trade Machine. He’s always considered himself an amateur in the world of tradeology, and its more complex cousin, “sign and tradeology,” but the Sparks were kicking in and, in his own words, he was “feeling unstoppable.” Kawakami came out swinging:
“If the Warriors offered Al Harrington and a protected future No. 1 pick, and took back Crawford and the horrible contract of Zach Randolph, would the Knicks bite?”
The Trade Machine, emotionless, responded “This Trade Failed!” Kawakami didn’t give up and he returned with yet another trade, and another, and another. And on it went like this for 37 hours straight. In the end, like a blogging John Henry, Kawakami finally defeated the formidable Machine of NBA Trades with an unexpected trade of Kosta Perovic and C.J. Watson to The Denver Nuggest for Linas Kleiza. Kawakami collapsed, face down on his blood spattered keyboard. His last words were “Now, finally, the Warriors can have the rebounding, defensive-minded forward with a mid-range jumper that they so desperately need.”
Services will be hosted July 15th on blogspot.com. TK RIP
M. Meschery
Welcome to the red, white and blue special edition. Apparently, not satisfied with making a super-sized offer to just one LA Clipper, he of the torn Achilles tendon, Elton Brand, now there’s another Clip allegedly on the Warriors’ list. And it’s a name I had hoped not to hear mentioned in the same breath as the word “Warriors” this summer: Corey Maggette. I’m not even sure I spelled his name right. That’s how little I want to see him suit up for the Dubs. There’s a reason everyone says that he should have stayed another year at Duke. Hell, some of us think he should still be there. And what am I missing here? Were the Clippers the ones in the title series two weeks ago? Is this some kind of dynasty being broken up? Adding Baron to the squad makes them lightweight nice, but do the Warriors have to go after every free agent of theirs in a vindictive vendetta-fueled haze? Yo, Mully, it’s not “Gangs of New York.” And memo to you and yours: I’m not sure that the rest of last-year’s Clips are that good.
This brings me to the fireworks.
Yo, Warriors. Hear me on this. If you go and blow your bankroll on Corey the Underachiever and someone coming off of a season in which they played seven games and ruptured their Achilles tendon, and then somehow fail to have enough in the old Schwab One account to re-sign Monta Ellis, I will mock your ineptness relentlessly. As in, unrelentingly. Without stopping. From now until next-year’s lottery. While very publicly courting a new hoops team to follow. Take these words lightly at your own peril. Because I have followed this team avidly, lovingly even, for more than 35 years. I can still name-check the last roster to win a title for you down to about ten places on the pine. But if I find out that Monta is a Grizzly because Mully, Nellie, Cohan and everyone else didn’t have enough perspective to see that there just might be some big-azz offers coming his way from the hometown squad, I am telling you this now. Two things. One: the soft fuzzy gloves with which I have talked about all things Warriors will come off. Two: I am quite likely to categorically refuse to root for two ex-Clippers, a couple of cats I remember and four rookies, while we start another 15-year rebuilding process.
But seriously. How in the name of Andrew DeClerq did you let this happen? Guys! Monday, you had a team that the Bay Area loved. Four days later, you look desperate as hell. And now we are turning our lonely eyes to goddamn Corey Maggette? All I can say is, this. Don’t get fooled again. Do what you can to keep what remains of the team that we enjoyed watching so much these past three seasons. How you perform your duties will determine how I perform mine. Today at least, I, unlike y’all, I am trying to perform them for something we can all get behind.
In service of freedom from the tyrrany of mediocrity,
Daniel Turman
PS. Props to Shahid for reminding me of the finest rendition of the anthem ever. And at the NBA All-Star Game, no less. Make the jump for the vid. RIP Marvin. Read More »
Last night, the maximum-strength FTB posse was in attendance at the Bay Area screening of the Baron Davis-produced documentary about the history of LA gangs, “Made in America.” What we didn’t realize was that we were going to be present as one of the most unexpected stories in recent Bay Area sports history broke.
With the news at maximum boil, and the mainstream media assembled and waiting, Baron came over, gave me a pound and we had a quick private conversation. The subject of same is virtually immaterial, but that he sought us out under the circumstances, and did so knowing that we are all lifetime Warrior fans, spoke volumes. It wasn’t until later, when I was driving home, that I had a moment of clarity about it all: perhaps our “Contract Karma” video worked too well, to perfection even. Just not for the benefit of the Warriors. Perhaps some “front-office” karma would have helped too. I suppose that two things go without saying for anyone not reading this blog for the first time. First, obviously, we are sad for our Warriors. They have likely regressed and if the rumors of today are to be believed, they are scrambling for position. Not good. But second, we can’t help but be happy for Baron. He has been nothing but class around us and good for the Dubs. And we have to accept that this world is governed by commerce. That he proved to be good at the game of commerce is not something to trifle with. He got the contract he wanted and he gets to cash the checks in the city he’s always truly called home.
As for us, we’ve got a couple of staff meetings on the horizon. We’re not terribly stoked about the departure of our avatar from the home turf, but let’s be realistic too. We’re Warriors fans. We rebuild for 15 years to succeed for two or three. And frankly, it’s getting tiresome. Just the same, il capo di tutti capi (at least on the hardwood) has just left the building. Pour some red wine out on the curb and try not to hate. He earned his. On the floor and off.
Turman
5. RZA, “Digi Snacks”: Alright, the RZA isn’t really rocking the full beard these days (though he has in the past), but, c’mon, it’s The RZA. The album drops on June 26th, NBA draft day. I take that as an omen that this draft will be good for the Warriors. If only the Warriors had the branding sensibilities of the Wu Tang Clan. Imagine instead of “Thunder” and those weak-ass pizza hurling dudes, we had some kind of elite fighting force of Shaolin monks? And our logo? Look no further than The Wu for a far superior use of the letter W in logo form. They have their own wu-shaped “Wucontroller” for the Playstation for Chrissakes!
4. The Black Keys, “Attack and Release”: Akron Ohio’s The Black Keys are a 1/2 bearded duo, however Danger Mouse produced their new record, and so I’m counting his beard to give them majority beard status. I recommend checking out their video for the song “Strange Times.” It involves Laser Tag. If I was a kid and I saw some freaky bearded man coming at me in one of those black-lit Laser Tag mazes, I’d piss myself. Game over.
3. Fleet Foxes, “Fleet Foxes”: I don’t know much about Fleet Foxes other than that they’re from Seattle and they have beards. I also know I like their name, Fleet Foxes. It makes me realize what a dumb-ass tradition English Fox Hunting is, and how one day I hope foxes everywhere get their revenge. As for the music, it reminds me of the summer I spent with Luke Walton playing bongos to old Joni Mitchell records, and just being free.
2. The Roots, “Rising Down”: I think Rick Rubin and Questlove need to have a “beard-off” for most iconic beard in hip hop. Rick’s beard was way more bad-ass when he was in NY producing hip hop and metal bands. When he moved to LA and became a tofu-eating, meditating, Neil Diamond-producing record executive, it kind of lost it’s power for me. So that’s why I’m voting for Questlove in said beard-off. Plus his afro is as equally iconic. The balding Rubin can’t play on both ends of the court, ya dig?
1. My Morning Jacket, “Evil Urges”: Don’t be deceived by the evolving sound of this band nor shifting hair length of lead singer Jim James. His beard has remained surprisingly consistent over the years. With a boyish face, James looks like a young Civil War soldier before his innocence has been slashed away by the scythe of war. For the full summer experience, go to Thrifty and rent a convertible PT Cruiser and drive to Ukiah listening to the song “I’m Amazed” on repeat. You’ll feel like Luke Walton the first time he took mushrooms with his dad in ‘78.
M. Meschery with the assist from GD
Late word trumps all, I guess. This just in off the wire: comedian George Denis Patrick Carlin passed away Sunday, at age 71, of heart failure.
No less an authority than Comedy Central named him the second-greatest stand-up comic in history, right behind Richard Pryor. He was the first fricking host of Saturday Night Live, fer Chrissakes. Moreover, his “seven dirty words” routine influenced a Supreme Court decision that ripples on to this day with regard to what constitues the nature of obscenity on the public airwaves. This may seem like a bit of a departure for FTB, but bear with me. There aren’t enough cynics in the world to keep the rest of us in line. Trust me on this. His acerbic wit and cultural currency will be hard to replace.
But in the spirit of the departed, enjoy a classic riff of his from a decade or so back. It’s a typically caustic take on environmentalism, the Earth and our self-aggrandizing proposition for saving it. I hope and believe that he’s wrong, but every so often, when the systems of life seem ready to spit me back into the ether like so many bad atoms, this routine comes back to me and I smile. So, Monday willing, sit back for about seven minutes and savor the cleansing power of comedic genius. Or, just put on some headphones, minimize the screen and rock it background style. Either way, when it’s done, spill some coffee out on the cubicle carpet for the evil genius of George Carlin.
Turman
PS. He got damn near ran off of late-night TV back in the day (when he was a regular on The Tonight Show) for rocking some serious bearditude.
A couple weeks ago, the FTB crew was musing aloud about the status of Baron Davis’ contract negotiations. And by musing aloud, I mean arguing. As with most of our staff meetings, adult beverages were involved and opinions were flowing like wine.
An unnamed New York tabloid had reported on the possibility—however, improbable—of Baron Davis becoming a New York Knick. In turn, this was parroted onward and upward in the local media. As we considered some of the possibilities out there for our avatar and namesake, one additional possibility dawned on me.
Why not just ask him for an interview? Baron’s pretty public facing as athlebrities go. What could it hurt to ask? Of course, if he said “yes” some diplomacy would have to be exercised. Nothing too specific numerically, of course. But, Boom willing, we could at least confirm that he’s digging the Bay Area and wants to stick around.
And so it was. We asked. And we got our interview. And then we made a bigger ask. A challenge, actually. We figured that the whole deal-making process needed an infusion of karma. Contract talks are a natural pain point for GM, athlete and agent alike, so why not go out and try to tip the great karmic scales in the sky a bit. Be the change, as it were.
Boom was with it.
The results are above, in convenient, linkable YouTube format. Hopefully, this is our little karmic gift to the process as well. Good luck to all at the table. Breathe deeply and work together in good faith. And as for us, we’ll be releasing segments from the sit-down interview over the coming weeks.
In victory,
Daniel Turman, on behalf of all of us at www.fearthebeard.org
PS. The long list of shout outs and credits to follow. Read More »
In case you missed it, Kimbo Slice made his major-network debut on Saturday night. Yep. The folks over at the Tiffany Network, CBS, put him on all prime-time like. It goes without saying that the squeamish should avoid the play button on the above video, as the third-round footage contained therein includes the rather startling (but fairly predictable) destruction of James Thompson’s left ear. Personally, I’m not sure why Kimbo mauling people is cool for network TV, while Janet Jackson’s boobleage was worthy of an FCC fine and the associated hyperventilation, but whatevs. That’s all secondary today.
Why? Because! Dude! Kimbo totally just jumped the shark! YouTube street-fighting phenom my ass. He went from Internet fighting guy on Friday to frickin’ mainstream on Monday. Kimbo you done did it. Awesome beardosity too.
I’ll leave it to the mixed martial arts enthusiasts among us to weigh in on what this all means and whether or not the performance was even sufficient for the occasion. At least one commentator with prominent placement said “meh.” But seriously, CBS hasn’t shown any manner of live combat in, like, 25 years. I have to tip my cap to anyone who can go from fighting random dudes in the parking lot to headlining a prime-time network TV event in only a handful of YouTube moments. Somewhere, The Fonz must be proud.
More shark jumping as the week goes on,
Turman
