Scared suburbanites packing heat, publicly. And legally.

11.18.2009 | 11:59 pm | Hater Tuesdays, Town Business

I don’t have time for this. I was going to write about the Detroit Pistons having better fourth quarters of late than the Big Three, but now I’m forced to leave basketball behind for a minute. To take a look at scared suburban nerds packing heat. Legally. In California. Under the “open carry” laws passed in the wake of the Black Panther movement.

See, as the story notes, it’s still legal to carry a registered, unloaded, and holstered handgun in California. In urban areas. You know, where things might just get off the hook. Like at the Starbucks in Cupertino. At eleven in the morning. Nevermind the fact that, should you be asked to carefully set down your soy mocha and hand over your (allegedly) unloaded Glock to an officer of the law, he’s not even allowed to look at the serial number. And let’s also ignore for a minute that you are allowed to carry the ammo for said gun in, say, your pocket. Forget all of that for two paragraphs and let’s just consider the “why” of it all.

Gentlemen, do you really feel that threatened? Impossible. Do you really feel that the second amendment is that important? No, because if you did you’d know that it was written into the constitution as a means of confronting your means of governance with violent force, not to foster impotent little displays of “little-dick-syndrome” in a quiet bedroom community. It is almost 2010. You do not need to carry a sidearm like you’re living in Boot Hill, Arizona, at the turn of the century and you just copped a feel on Lester Moore’s favorite lady of the night. You live in Silicon Valley. You’re more likely to get bopped by Sergey Brin’s silent but deadly Tesla than thugged up on by some highly motivated and well-traveled bangers from EPA. But this brings me to the real point.

Have you realized what you just done did, scared white boys on TV? You just let the official television station of Oakland, CA let the entire populace of said city become newly aware of this impossibly stupid legal loophole. You want some real thrills to go with that gun. Stumble upon a sideshow once the word is out in the ‘hood on “open carry” law. Stop on by when OPD is fully powerless to control a well-armed (but holstered) population that is newly aware that all they have to do to be legal is buy a fucking holster and keep the bullets in their pants pocket. Please.

One would only hope that now, as then, this loophole could actually be used to help force loose cannons like Johannes Mehserle to think twice before wilding out on the populace with a loaded piece. But this is wishful thinking. Sure, the latent political sentiment with regard to the true utility of the second amendment is present in Tha Town, but the obvious truth is that open flaunting of weapons will only empower people to do more stupid shit with them than they already do. And be murdered for having them on their person in the first place.

But really. Dude. You, at the 3:52, you really think that this is going to make for a more polite society? Really? That people will “respect” you? That they won’t be as likely to yell obscenities? What about when the horrifyingly well-armed and systematically disenfranchised members of society decide that they too are not only entitled to this same right, but decide to ride out and exercise it with an impromptu car show at the Starbuck’s in Cupertino on a Tuesday morning. Still feeling smug then?

Dude, your “polite society” was the one of 150 years ago. And it wasn’t so pretty. People carrying guns tend to find a reason to use them. Or have one used against them. It’s human nature to flaunt presumed power. Especially, if the mechanism of said power is in short supply or seldom deployed publicly. Simply put, you’re basically the only one with a gun. So you have and flaunt this false authority. This, my man, is the method of the petty tyrant, not the reformer. You want real change, confront the real power that divides and tribalizes society, not the decent citizens of your opulent hamlet.

So, here’s a polite retort to your asinine flaunting of deadly force: let me be the first to say a hearty “fuck you” to you and your scared, doughboy-soft suburban ass. Really.

Turman

PS. I know it’s not Hater Tuesday anymore, but I did see this on the news last night while searching YouTube for a clip of Jason Maxiell’s block if that counts for anything. Oh, and the Pistons scored 31 or something in the fourth to almost steal one from the Blazers. Perhaps our mole will weigh in on the near collapse.