09.29.2009 | 8:46 pm | Keys to Victory, Pogonophobia, The Warriors
The Golden State Warriors know how to make media day a great time out, but Deshawn Stevenson of the Washington Wizards knows how to turn media day into a frickin’ work of art. If Monta and Jack really want to unsettle us fans, they need to look no further than Fresno’s Finest, “Baby Beard” Deshawn Stevenson. Dude showed up to media day with a few new tattoos for the crowd to oggle. 1. Frankenstein-like crack on his hairline. 2. Backwards P (a loose interpretation of a Pittsburgh Pirates “P”) over by his left eye. 3. A full portrait of Abe Lincoln on his neck. The front of his neck. Right on his Adam’s Apple. Now, one could assume that Mr. Stevenson is just another passenger on the Delonte West Three-Wheeled Motorcycle straight to Crazyville, but I think not. In fact, I think Deshawn has spent his summer preparing for the real competition this season, The NBA Tattoo Tournament. He knows who his competition is and unless The Birdman comes with a full Obama back piece, Deshawn’s coming in like The King James of mystifying Mike Tyson-esque Jail Tattoos.
So, if only some of our Dubs would realize that it’s not the team that needs to change, nor the front office, but the game itself. For example, I’d like for us to fight for the #1 spot on The All-Skinny Squad. If our starting lineup was Beans, Randolph, Morrow, Monta and Curry I think we could take it this year. Sure, Tayshaun Prince counts for like two skinny dudes with his “lanky brilliance,” and Rip Hamilton is a slim fit, but they get canceled out by Ben Wallace and Chris Wilcox. Sorry Detroit. So, let’s fire up some veggie dogs at The Oracle Arena this year and cheer for our Underweight Heroes and boo Maggette’s biceps. In 2010 we need to take any W we can get.
M. Meschery
Comments (3)
09.28.2009 | 10:27 pm | Beard up Bay Area, Fun with Ex Warriors, Go Bears!, Great Beards in History, Hater Tuesdays, The Warriors
Welcome back to our collective delusion. For more than a month, we have been dormant, hoping for the hope to return. Instead, we have a dejected Stephen Jackson as the Grinch who stole media day. As well documented as media day was, I’ll keep this brief only slightly longer than necessary. But today does beg at least one question.
What the hell kind of team can’t even get media day right? Show up, look happy to be a well-compensated professional, say some nice things to move some tickets, and go home. But no. Not our Dubs. They’ve got to make this into a public spectacle of dysfunction. And at the center of the storm? The team’s two best players. First, you’ve got Captain Grinch telling us that, yes, he still wants out. Then you’ve got Monta telling us that, no, he doesn’t think Nellie’s backcourt plan will work. Great. Where do I sign up to give Chris Cohan that disproportionate share of my disposable income for my delusional “great time out?”
But delusion is nothing new in these parts. Which will be this week’s theme. The Bay Area sports scene is defined by moments of success that feed decades of delusion. In just the last, depressing five days or so, we’ve seen the delusion come crashing down for the San Francisco Giants, the Cal Bears football team, the Oakland Raiders, and (to a lesser extent) the San Francisco 49′ers. The A’s are so deep in their delusion of Moneyball, that they barely merit mention. They were gone before the fog of summer rolled in in earnest.
My bitterness is one thing, but in all seriousness I’ve got a little council for Mssrs. Jack and Monta. Forget for a moment that the team that currently employs you did, in fact, regenerate or foster your current relevance. Loyalty? Fine. Throw it out. But riddle me this Grinch. What NBA franchise is going to look at today’s press conference and say, “Yep. That’s the piece of the puzzle we’re looking for. A disgruntled Santa Claus who delivers ill-advised threes by the sleighload and rebels after playing one season of his most recently negotiated deal? Let’s do this!” C’mon Jack. There must be a circuit missing. Brain and mouth faster than the internal editor? Even if you want out, this makes zero sense. Monta? At least get through a backcourt fail or two before blasting the thinking.
Moreover, given that he’s the captain of the team, exactly what manner of message is Jack sending to his seconds and thirds. Well, Monta seems to be saying something similar in as many words. And given the history of the team with this sort of thing, I can’t wait to see Anthony Randolph, et al., suiting up for an All-Star Game as members of other teams. It’s the Warrior way. Even D.J. Mbenga has a championship ring.
So yes. Once again, we’ve leveraged our entire franchise on the collective delusion of three or four men. Cohan, Rowell, Nelson, and (maybe) Riley have now officially sailed the ship into the Sea of Sprewell. Again. Adrift and rudderless. And this year we couldn’t even smile our way through media day, breathing in the sweet salt air of the Nellieball delusion and hoping for an eight spot in the playoffs.
Nope, sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, meet your 2009-2010 Golden State Warriors. Enjoy what you can, before at least a couple of these cats are on the first Gulfstream smokin’ out of the OAK. And then we’ll turn our lonely eyes to those big free-agent pickups Devean George and Mikki Moore, cry a little into our beer and wait for someone to shoot a t-shirt at us. Oh wait. That would be if we’re still buying tickets.
Turman
PS. In an unprecedented step, two of us have already fully bearded up for the storm. Playoffs? We’re bearding up for the preseason.
Comments (9)
