It’s not often you see House Representative Barbara Lee reaching across the aisle to grab her some hot Republican palm in solidarity, but this week is different. And it’s different for a most unique set of circumstances. Namely, it’s about to be Dust Bowl II up in this ish. With elected representatives scared off of their asses by the prospect of explaining a $700 billion bailout to their little foreclosurevilles back home during voting season, the most monumental financial bailout in United States history was put on indefinite hold. Repubs are blaming Pelosi, while Dems are saying, “WTF, this came from your main man GW?” And all of us are sitting here wondering if anyone will ever loan us another dime. Or moreover, is that even a good idea.
By pure coincidence I happen to be in the NYC. The epicenter of Ground Zero II. Which, if you really think about it does bear some strong degree of connection to the wartime spending spree that commenced as the dust settled from the original Ground Zero. But all of that is for another blog somewhere with more time. What chaps me is the fact that we have been given far too much to hate about the current financial crisis and not nearly enough to love. So, it being Tuesday, I’m going to bring in a guest. Today’s hater of the day is a noted mechanical engineer of the green variety who goes by the name of David Youmans. While he’s not developing solar cells of the domestic variety, he’s doing things like clean-water projects in Tanzania. Or maybe building more efficient stoves for Darfur refugees so they don’t have to stray across enemy lines for firewood quite so often. What’s his take?
Simple. We earned this. Debt by petty debt. And we deserve to fail. Completely. Now, that’s a Hater Tuesday concept. Hate ‘em all. Here’s the first paragraph of his diatribe for free. Make the jump if you feel the multilateral hate bubbling over.
Turman
From special correspondent David Youmans: Here are my mostly unfounded thoughts on US economic collapse, backed up by very little statistical data and my limited knowledge of the world affairs and history.
Rearranging the Deck Chairs on the Titanic: Our system is too broken to fix itself. Watching our leadership scramble to fix this problem is like watching a scary movie where the killer has gotten into the house of the teenage girl who is home alone. The whole audience knows she should run outside to safety, but what does she do? She runs upstairs clutching the first weapon she can find, a candle holder, which she will limply lob at the attacking madman who will let it bounce lightly off his shoulder before he cuts her to pieces. Our government has no idea what’s really going on and there is so much partisanship and politics involved that no decisions are being made based on economic logic. We need to hit the reset button, and the only way to do that is to have everything collapse and the American people kick everyone out of the present discussion and start over. Read More »
We already know who would play Sarah “I’ll get back to you on that” Palin in the TV movie based on her life, Thanks, but No Thanks: The Sarah Palin Story, a Lifetime Original Movie. But who would play her sidekick, er, Presidential running mate, John McCain?
FTB’s vote (metaphorically speaking) goes to Don Rickles, a.k.a. “The Merchant of Venom.” Not only does old Bullet Head resemble McCain, but his mean-spirited style perfectly meshes with McNasty’s own dirty politicking. The only catch: Rickles is actually ten years older than McNasty… we didn’t even think that was possible.
***Bonus Fun Fact (thanks, Wikipedia!): One of Rickles’s best-known roles was in the film Kelley’s Heroes, in which he played a character named Sgt. Crapgame. We think that would make a great new nickname for McNasty, too!
Well okay, we don’t have it just yet. But some time in 2013, it’s currently projected, the Bay Area will have a new iconic bridge span. It might not be the next world wonder, but actually, watching the video that accompanied this SF Gate article, it looks pretty cool. But, is it worthy of a team identity?
Obviously, iconic bridges have some precedent in this regard. The well-known “City” jersey, which highlights the twin-cabled span of the Golden Gate Bridge, is the all-time best selling uniform for the Warriors. And, there have been many riffs of the original, including the infamous “Tha’ Town” renditions, which feature the less glamorous, yet very Oaklandish, Port cranes.
It strikes me that the new Bay Bridge span could be just the right compromise, if they can make it work graphically. The bridge connects the East Bay (the Warriors current home) to San Francisco (the Warriors first Bay Area home) and carries approximately a 100 million vehicles a year between them. Ah, Mr. Cohan, that’s a lot of potential consumers. Our debate has always been focused about how to make the identity be inclusive and iconic. Frankly, now, we have neither.
The Golden State Warriors basketball team, often maligned for not identifying its hometown of Oakland in its name, is considering a new uniform design that would incorporate a sketch of the span, much like the classic “The City” uniforms with an image of the Golden Gate Bridge that the team sported as the San Francisco Warriors.
So, I say let’s do it. Sh*t, by the time the Warriors ownership, marketing staff and those NBA turkeys can agree it should be just about 2013. Now, again, I throw FTB’s hat into the ring. Warriors marketing staff, we’re ready for this noble design challenge.
Let me begin by saying that I will only go to The Berkeley Bowl if I am the last survivor of a bacterial pandemic apocalypse and all my other shopping options have been overrun by flesh-eating zombies. This is by choice. However, for my friend Raphael Breines, he’s been eighty-sixed from The Bowl for life, so if he does want a Zululand Queen Pineapple in the future, he’s going to have to wait for The End Times to get it. More about Raphael in a minute.
The above quote was a suggested bumper sticker slogan from a Berkeley resident interviewed in a recent LA Times article about The Berkeley Bowl (yes, shocking that the LA Times would highlight one of the most annoying aspects of our precious Northern California culture). The article was more specifically about The Berkeley Bowl’s new policy to hand out lifetime bans to people who are caught “tasting” food before buying it - especially the produce. Which is an interesting shopping predicament, given that nearly 50% of the produce is of the “?” variety. Don’t know what a Chocolate Persimmon tastes like? Too bad, and if you nibble, you will be dealt with.
And that’s pretty much what happened to my friend (well, more a friend-of-a-friend, just so you don’t think I fraternize with criminals). Yes, The Berkeley Bowl has made my bearded friend, Raphael Breines, the Winona Ryder of pears. But I got to give it up to my man here for putting himself on Front Street to expose the absurdity of this whole thing. He’s quoted in most of these stories, including going on-camera for this CBS 5 interview. Raphie’s an upstanding, family-type guy. He designs public parks for Chrissakes, and The Bowl is going to make an example of him - a produce pariah?
Such is the dilemma of living in Berkeley in the 21st Century. It’s filled with self-righteous yoga mat huggers, and baby boomer ex-hippies who act, in their own way, just as entitled as retirees at a Palms Springs country club. So, I feel for the employees and managers of Berkeley Bowl who got to put up with these a@#holes, but then to respond with some Procrustean Law (Raphie wrote a letter of apology to be reinstated, but was declined) is so, well, so un-Berkeley. And if you watch the CBS5 Video, you’ll find out about a dude who got banned for putting too much milk and sugar in his coffee. Really? How much f-ing milk and sugar could he possibly be putting in his cup of coffee for it to be considered theft? Seriously people. That’s weak sauce - extra weak sauce. You can find it on Aisle 3 next to the Haterade and don’t even think about trying it before buying it. I await the comments of my Berkeley-residing colleagues.
Howdy swingers. It’s Friday and those debates are looming. But chill man, it’s all copacetic. Ya’ dig? Go grab your main squeeze, and the best jittersauce you can find and enjoy the swanky sounds of The Will Galison Orchestra.
Now that global warming is a matter of fact
The only real question is just how to react
The new administration needs the guts to enact
Drastic legislation, leave the planet intact
We can’t be foolin’ round with some Republican Mac
So we’re takin’ it back with Barack, Jack!
Then, let’s all sit back and watch that hepcat, Barack, get under that off-beat, jive turkey’s skin. Then we can watch that old square McCain, go insane. I bet he’ll blow his top!
Fear the Beard is always, totally, like getting to the bottom of things. And for months now, a couple of anonymous females have been putting the worst etiquette violations of Muni ridership on “blog blast” over at Munimanners.com. Having achieved a certain fame with missives about subjects ranging from beverage control to sneeze and cough covering, they have somehow managed to maintain their status in Clark Kentville.
That is, they have remained completely unknown. Until this week. Damn you Mornings on 2 for beating us to the punch, but still. We’re at least kinda breaking a story. And while we are only the second media outlet to reveal their true identities (we’ll keep the names quiet for now), we’ve got KTVU beat with the fact that they both work with one of our most esteemed commenters. So, what the hell does this all mean? It means, that y’all better be cool with FTB when we’re on Muni. For real. We’ve got a direct line to the damn Wonder Women of putting you in check and we’re not afraid to hit them up and summons the invisible jet.
Look. I’ve seen a fight on the 22 Fillmore. Between a dude with a knife and a dude with a chain. I’ve had a driver cuss me out. All the way home. Just for having the audacity to run down his 38 Geary after he wanted to bypass my stop. (I ain’t forgot your anger-management-needing, buster ass either.) I have seen. And, my friends, together we will make this right.
Okay. I’ll be serious for a minute. Thanks to CBS affiliate KPIX for hosting a blogger bash at their Battery Street headquarters tonight. That’s where the photo of Dolin (above, center) was snapped with the Muni-etiquettes. And thanks to reporter Sue Kwon for chatting us up and introducing us to the sports patrol proper. Ms. Gilbert, we appreciated the red wine and cold cuts. But most of all, it was cool to see new and old media gettting together and playing nice.
And if you’re on the 30 Stockton tomorrow trying to text somebody while sipping a cup of Peet’s and reading the paper, just don’t do it while holding a live chicken in your lap. Seriously people. That ish is so 2002.
First the economy goes to crap, now this. Look, I’m not going out on a moped. No way, no how. That’s just not me.
Unfortunately, the Matthew dubbed, “Ankle-gate” has now officially been renamed, “Moped-gate”. Weaksauce. That’s what Jenny Hu of the Chronicle is reporting anyway (with added commentary from Ray Ratto).
09-24) 17:59 PDT — Monta Ellis was riding a moped when he severely injured his left ankle last month in his native Jackson, Miss., sources close to the Warriors guard told The Chronicle on Wednesday.
The 22-year-old tore a deltoid ligament in his ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in what one of the sources labeled a “low-speed” accident.
A “low-speed” accident? Monta Ellis? It’s sad really. I mean, injury aside, I just imagined that Monta would have been on a some ridiculously fast Superbike or something. Like one of these. Did I mention I’m not going out on a moped?
Gd.
PS. If you really want to see some folks trying to make crashing mopeds look cool, well, go ahead make the jump. But I’m telling you, it just doesn’t work. Read More »
I don’t know if this is exactly a fair fight. We here at FTB have hella-respect for BD’s game, but in this here comedy skit challenge, my money might have to be on Bosh. After all, we know Chris Bosh has a secret weapon. And that weapon goes by the name of Bubba. Bubba is the McLovin of Youtube Skit Scene Stealing. If you forgot Bubba’s unforgettable role in CB4’s All Star campaign video, then you most likely forgot about Blue in “Old School” or Saget in “Half Baked.” In other words, you’re comedy-illiterate.
I think Baron only stands a chance by fighting Canadian with Canadian. Meaning, Steve Nash might have to take the suspenders out the closet one more again. Per capita, The Canadians got us beat in the comedy department. Comedy for Canadians is like long-distance running for Kenyans. They’re naturals. I’m not even sure that Bubba is Canadian (some speculate he was played by Bosh’s younger brother), but based on his performance, I’m just going to say that he’s a Canuck. So, BD, if you’re listening, you might want to bring Nash in for the assist. Or, if you want to be bold, I got Bill Wennington’s number for you. Let’s offer him a few Molson’s and bring ol’ “Beef” Wennington out of retirement for one last run.
M. Meschery
PS - If this thing starts going bad for Baron, FTB might have to throw its hat in the ring - assuming we can channel our inner-Canadians of course.
Lane Kiffin walking by smiling. Ray Ratto looking the other way. Oh man. It almost feels like everyone in the room would have “rat packed” his ass, all Oakland in the 80s style, if he had not knuckled under so completely.
Seems as Bill Clinton has a bit of hate festering. The man gave perhaps the most flimsy excuse of an endorsement of Barack Obama I’ve yet to witness. Ugh Bill, come on. But thanks to an enlivened Chris Rock, who followed his appearance on Letterman, Willy got called out.
So, sit back and enjoy an inspired presidential censure that evokes Super Bowl XLII and may just plant the seeds of a “free Michael Vick” movement.
