The show Shaq Vs is starting to become an accident that I can’t look away from. Charles Barkley said it should be called “Shaq Loses” and then went out and lost to Shaq on the links. But last night: Bieber. Dance off.
The announcing is virtually unlistenable. The setups are strange, where Shaq gets these big handicaps. And last night was no exception. Moreover, the entire concept was kinda sorta lifted from Steve Nash and/or Dahani Jones. But Shaq has that Shaq Appeal. You could drop the dude into the most awkward circumstance on earth and somehow the Big Chameleon just flips a switch and does unexpected stuff. He should be a diplomat. I could totally see him chopping it up with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over a game of high-stakes chess. I’m just not sure that nuclear proliferation should rest on the outcome. But still. I’m just sayin’. The dude has a gift.
And honestly, Shaq is easily the best seven-foot tall pop locker in the world. Beiber, to his credit, showed some equally improbable hoops prowess in quick pickup game, which his team actually won. He’s little, but (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) his game was almost kinda lightweight nice. Best of all every episode is a “jump the shark” episode. Now, that’s television.
Okay.
I think I need to get out more,
Turman
PS. Given Shaq’s shark jumping, along with my own cougar jumping, and the esteemed commentary from Buzzy Jackson earlier in the week, I am retroactively declaring this an FTB Jump the Shark Week. Where are my water skis at!
I once heard an interview with Nile Rogers from Chic about how they came to write the disco classic “Le Freak.” When the band was first starting out in NY, one night they tried to go to Studio 54 and the doorman wouldn’t let them in. So, they went back to their practice space and wrote this song that went, “Aaaaaah F**k You.” Of course, their label wouldn’t let them release a jam with the F-Bomb in it no matter how funky it was, so they changed it to “Freak out.”
This is one of those TGFI moments, “Thank God for the Internet.” I’m sure 74% of all musicians have written at least one “F-You” song in their lifetimes. Now, with the Internet as the primary channel to distribute and promote music, musicians can finally give commercial radio, the major labels and the FCC, the “Big F-You.”
Brandon Roy didn’t apologize for the low quality of the music, but it would have been way awesomer if he had. I’m not trying to hate too hard on Cali and Cavalli, but I did listen to this twice to make sure that it’s pretty bunk. Sorry. Said it. Meant it. It’s bunk. Not a slapper. What’s up with Seattle hip-hop anyway? It’s been a while. Like 20 years. Seattle really hasn’t put anything down on the hip-hop front since the halcyon days of $ir Mix-a-Lot. And it’s been quite a few years since you could track his posse’s actions on Broadway.
Back to B-Roy and Jamal. I understand the larger dilemma. Cali and Cavalli was down at the big summer tournament. Ballers are there. They’re trying to come up. Why not ask for a quick cameo? I was doing the same thing last weekend. But I wasn’t putting folks in videos talkin’ ’bout big trees either. And it makes sense for ballers like B-Roy and Jamal to show respect to the cats they knew from back in the day and take pictures with them and so forth. But those cats really need to show some respect back and not be putting their peeps on Front Street in their semi-bunk videos. Especially if the track’s not even a slapper and the spits are in slow motion.
Sorry, double fail for Cali and Cavalli,
Turman
PS. Read Brandon Roy’s public statement right over here. Read More »
As Flashdance director Adrien Lyne could tell you, dancing + rain = good. Turf dancing - actual turf + rain = awesome. After I stopped working with youth in Oakland a few years back, Turf Dancing fell off my radar even though I would occasionally see dudes practicing on the corner of Adeline and 35th on my way home from work. Maybe it got overshadowed by its more spastic Southern California cousins Krumping and Jerkin‘, but when I saw this video I realized that the more elegant and liquid style of Turf Dancing had made some serious progress and was worth recognizing. One minute, I was like, “oh, that’s kind of cool,” next thing I know they getting all Alvin Ailey out on Mac and 90th. Crazy.
As we have new owners of our beloved Warriors, I plan on using the FTB suggestion box for further recommendations for halftime entertainment and other general improvements to make “A Great Time Out” live up to the name. According to MT2, Lacob is interested in improving the food options at The O also. So, feel free to offer up your ideas in the comments below. Journey reunion performance? Dogs on skateboards, Big Nate’s BBQ? Now’s your opportunity. Let the people know.
First the diabolical awesomeness of the Auto Tune-d Double Rainbow dude, which practically screamed, “Make a Skittles commercial out of me.” Now this. The death of Auto Tune? Not sure it’s gonna happen any more. It’s like awesome sauce that you can throw on lots of things to make them awesomer.
What’s up with San Jose? Seriously, are they so desperate for another professional sports team that they’re willing to piss off, not only some hardcore Oakland A’s fans and The San Francisco Giants organization, but also Bud Selig and pretty much all of Major League Baseball. Plus, on top of that, I just read this which basically describes San Jose as The Jersey Shore but with guys who scored 800 on their Math SAT. I also recently learned that San Jose is known as “Man Jose” because it’s a statistical fact that there are 5,793 men for every 100 women there. It’s like Alaska if Alaska were filled with guys who scored 800 on their Math SAT.
It makes it even worse because San Jose is, for the most part, just kicking Oakland when we’re down. They know that they have a large population of overpaid “geek/bros” (see above) who would be more than happy to shell out top dollar to watch baseball and high five each other until their hands hurt too much to play World of Warcraft. The Oakland A’s, on the other hand, even despite having Money Ballin’ Brad Pitt in the house this summer, are pretty much the Cleveland of baseball teams. I mean, if Cleveland wasn’t the Cleveland of baseball teams (see attendance numbers). So, in terms of chasing the almighty dollar, you could see why “Scrillacon Valley” would be more appealing to Lew Wolff than “The Town.” But, like Cleveland, we have a small but scrappy fan base that’s not afraid to let its opinions be known. Check out this excellent slide show for proof. So, c’mon San Jose, does another poor Volvo need to be ghostridden just to get you to stop this assholery? Don’t make us bring back Ben and Nate. Seriously, Don’t make us do it. Okay, you made us do it. (With apologies to Big Cleezy)
Thanks to the work of FTB, a few years back the first “Beard Night” was held at Oracle Arena (albeit an unofficial event). Paper beards were distributed to fans. Fun was had by all. Dare I say, it was a great time out.
Last year, The Powers That Be saw the influence that stylish hair, facial and otherwise, can have on a crowd and held their own CJ Watson “Mohawk Night.” For a quiet, unassuming, back-up point guard, that’s not bad public recognition. But then again, most of our starters were injured, so it was either that or “Wear a Suit Like Your Favorite Warrior Night,” or “Guess Which Warrior is Raja Bell Night.” Seriously, CJ Watson was a Fan Favorite, so he will be missed along with other Favs, Turiaf, Randolph and, of course, our own “Chocolate Rain,” aka Anthony Morrow.
So, this leaves us with some questions about the swagger level of the current Warriors roster. And when I say swagger, I mean take a look at the picture below. I never thought I’d say it, but yes, I lightweight miss Stephen Jackson. Okay, well, maybe not enough to poison a fragile locker room ecosystem with BP-levels of toxicity, but you get the point. I guess as long as we’re winning games, it doesn’t matter how much flavor our squad has, but I don’t know if David Lee’s goatee or Steph Curry’s mouthpiece is going to get it done. Monta can’t get any more tattoos to carry this thing. So, listen Lacob, trade for some swag, smell me? James Harden’s got a nice little Baron 2.0 beard thang going on. Any other possibilities? Feel free to post ‘em in the comments peoples.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s nostalgic for the good old days of the NBA on NBC. Particularly the theme song. Which, of course was written by John Tesh. Yep, that John Tesh. Ever wondered how he wrote it? Wonder no more. Watch as the erstwhile host of Entertainment Tonight, explains the song’s origin. And then plays it live. It’s like eight kinds of awesome dipped in magic pixie dust.
But the origin myth revealed is the best part. Because he came up with it in exactly the same way we can all recall it. Go ahead, hum it. Without much provocation, almost any serious American fan of basketball can kinda half hum, half sing the song. Which, as this video shows, is exactly how he wrote it. That said, the enthusiasm with which he plays “Roundball Rock” is really something to watch and learn from. Who says you can’t just Nietzsche up on being something nobody thinks you should try to be. John Tesh wanted to play music and a lot of us laughed when we first heard about it. And yet he went on to write what is arguably the best song about basketball ever written.
John Tesh, forever linked to my memories of Michael Jordan-era Bulls game Sunday brunches and Marv Albert’s hyperbolic game intros, I salute you. And sometimes when I walk into my local gym, I might be humming this song.
There seem to be more rumors than usual coming out of Warriorsland. When your team is 12 and 375 you need something to keep the fans entertained, right? I’m going to keep this brief, so here are the highlights
Rumor number three is the only one that would really mean anything if it happened. The trades would be just more La-Z-Boy reshuffling on the Hindenberg. Frankly, I’m shocked that there are any Warriors left on the team from two years ago. Speaking of which, Cap’n Jack’s back tonight at The Oracle with the Bobcats where he’s having a great season so far on a team making a playoff run. Trading away talented players, getting nothing in return while traded player thrives elsewhere - as DT would say, if you don’t like that, then you don’t like Warriors Basketball.
M. Meschery
PS - Writing about Warriors dysfunction can get old real quick, but watching this “Rumors” video with a young Mike Meezy never gets old.
When I met my wife she lived in San Francisco and I lived in Oakland. The girlfriend I had before her lived in London. I remember thinking at the time, “Damn, I don’t want another long distance relationship.” So, when Melina Jones sings “Here we are, a whole ocean apart” in the new Do D.A.T. track “The Bridge” I feel exactly what she’s talking about. I think most of us in The Bay know this all too well. We all have that friend on one side of the bridge or the other who just ain’t coming to visit you….ever. I remember this other time when I was working with Oakland teenagers and we took a trip to The Mission. We might as well have been taking a field trip to Pandora. Seriously, Mission hipsters were like 9 feet tall and blue to these kids.
Anyway, it was at that same youth program, The Bay Unity Music Project - a music enrichment program for high school students in Oakland - where I first met Do D.A.T. who was a young, up and coming emcee who would volunteer on occasion and provide lyrics workshops. Nearly five years later, Do D.A.T. is helping to run that program, as committed to the community as ever, and his music has evolved to what you see here - the intelligent type of hip hop that can survive in a post-hip hop world.
Anyway, there have been Bridge-related hip hop battles going back to K.R.S. and MC Shan, but this is the first bridge-related hip hop love joint that I know of - more of a love song for the whole Bay Area than anything. For all those Bay-themed mixtapes that will be made in the future, this might have to be the closing track, because despite the fact that The East Bay and The City can seem so different - from the hipsters to the hip hop - the rest of the world perceives us as one place so might as well join forces and be Bay against the world, right? Right. Finally, one of my favorite things about this video is that even though The Bay Bridge is the central metaphor for the song, Do D.A.T. finally takes BART across The Bay to connect with Melina Jones. Yes, The Bridge is indeed over.
M. Meschery
PS - My wife and I now live in Oakland. Take that Frisco!
