I am all for giving underdog countries a chance to go against the big dogs. And I would certainly never hate on Angola. But I do have a beef with FIBA, the international basketball governing body. Your tournament is too big. Too many bad teams. Make the tournament smaller. Harder to get into. Tougher to advance to the knockout round. And more watchable.
Remember the original Dream Team when they played Angola? That was only made moderately entertaining because of the “what was he thinking?” moment we got when Charles Barkley decided to bully some unfortunate super-skinny Angolan dude for the hell of it. I can’t say I watched this one in its entirety, but seriously, I don’t see the entertainment value in 55-point wins. And what are we doing for international diplomacy by even playing Iran? I swear Hilary herself must’ve called Coach K to get him to keep the score down in the name of helping limit nuclear proliferation.
Anyway, that about does it from this desk. Fewer games. Better games. Because if Steph Curry blows out a knee against Angola playing in garbage time with the US up by 48, my head will explode.
Having lived in the Tenderloin for a number of years, when I awake to the sound of large arms fire, I do what any sensible human being would. Wait until the bang bang stops and then go investigate. In the official uniform of such investigations, hoop shorts and house shoes. And so it was that I crept out into the cool night. What I found? A phalanx of Berkeley Police officers and a single, very large, and very dead mountain lion.
Now, I do not live in what you would call nature. There are trees, but this is an urbanized area. We’re talking one block from one of Berkeley’s most prominent thoroughfares in Shattuck Avenue. But apparently, this mountain lion had pretty evolved tastes. Roaming only two and a half blocks from Chez Panisse, he or she was apparently drawn to the area by the promise of an exalted hunt: tender, young returning students and slow-moving, California Cuisine-fed, neo-hippies.
Jokes! It’s a blog! Okay, seriously, that was a joke, but this was a big-ass cat. I saw it. Officers were still treating the area as a crime scene so I wasn’t allowed to fulfill my journalistic promise and break the story with photos and proper interviews. However, officers I spoke with indicated that they had first attempted to drive the animal back toward the hills. When that failed and the beast was heading for a late dinner in the Gourmet Ghetto, they said that they had no choice to put it down. I do not dispute this.
The weapons of record were shotgun and AR-15 assault rifle. The location: Walnut Street between Cedar and Virginia, for those of you Google Mapping at home. For me, that’s directly on the other side of the building behind my bedroom window. A mountain lion. And assault-rifle fire.
Okay, that’s about all from here. Mornings on 2 can pick up the story soon enough. I just figured that since I’d be up for a while I might as well break some news for once. To recap: police make a sensible decision to kill a mountain lion roaming a densely populated, urbanized portion of North Berkeley at approximately 3:30 Tuesday morning.
Turman Approved
Update. After breaking the story. Mainstream media wanted some of the Turman Magic. Probably not my finest media moment, but I managed two thirds of the traditional-media trifecta with a TV appearance and a quote in the SF Chronicle/SFGate. I am totally adding “Cougar Expert” to my resume.
Okay folks. Everybody needs to chill! Here is your conclusive, rumor-squashing evidence that Baron Davis doesn’t weigh no 260 pounds. Which, earlier today, an ESPN Insider report from Chris Broussard speculated loudly.
Midsummer reports weren’t good, as sources said the 6-3 point guard was up to 260 pounds, 45 pounds above his listed playing weight.
Where Broussard got his info, I don’t know. What he means by midsummer? Who cares? Where I got mine? This photo of the ever-dapper Mr. Meschery, Baron, and myself was shot 10 days ago at his charity event. While the two of us not named Baron would graciously request that you accept the self-definition of our physiques as “wiry strong,” there is no possible way that BD outweighs either of us by 85-90 pounds.
Matthew O’Brien of SB Nation was next to speculate, offering up a river of old quotes and random detritus to try to get his piece some extra traffic. Nice, but emblematic of an (er) “growing” problem with new media. Controversy gets the hits. That’s why no link for you, bro. So, once O’Brien’s post started getting retweeted all over the place, even a few Baron-hating mainstream journalists wanted to jump in and crack wise on Twitter. (Yes, I’m talking to you Tim Kawakami.) Sure, everyone talks smack on Twitter, but seriously, it’s sports media that is morbidly obese. Bloated by bloggers eager to break a story and mainstream-media types trying to keep their bona fides correct in the digital world, we’ve become a nation of sports-info fatties. Consuming every rumor 100 times before anything legit is ever revealed.
While none of us watched a weigh in a week ago Saturday, sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words. Yes, Baron could post either of us up. No, he doesn’t weigh a JaMarcus-like 260. And c’mon son, do some diligence. Pictures of Baron are everywhere. His workout partner was one of the first to publicly respond. Do some damn reporting. Don’t just slag on people for traffic. Weak sauce.
And camera don’t lie,
Turman
PS. In full disclosure, we have done some actual work for Baron in capacities unrelated to our universally regarded and 100% objective journalism here at Fear the Beard. It doesn’t matter. Start hating when you know what you’re talking about. Keep it movin’ if you want to read Kawakami’s attempt at a joke and BD’s responses. Read More »
No, not Matt Barnes. Even though Matt’s the owner of the “Sactown’s Finest” tat, we’re talking about the local constabulary. See Tyreke Evans was driving really fast. While being filmed from above unknowingly. For miles. Thirteen long minutes of which is seen here.
So, as a consequence Tyreke found himself getting pulled over in his Sacramento Kings-purple AMG Mercedes, of all places, in the parking lot in front of the local hoop courts. After some pretty “Amazing Police Chases”-worthy racing against some Sactown clown in a Dodge Charger. On a pretty crowded stretch of I-80. Being a competitive man, Tyreke put the velvet AMG hammer down on the Charger, blasting up to a CHP chopper-estimated 130 miles an hour. Which no doubt scared the bejeezus out of the “coming home from Tahoe” Bay Area crowd who just try and make it through this section of highway without mentally imploding from the negative side effects of traffic and/or cranky kids. And trying not to get ticketed.
So. What have we learned? Well, I think it’s simple. When you give 20-year-old guys millions of dollars, there is an almost 100-percent certainty that they will purchase an extraordinarily fast whip within the first 20 minutes of cashing the first check. So, with that in mind, I suggest that the NBA sponsor team track days at local raceways to let the gents get it out of their system. I might even pay to watch Monta Ellis go at Evans, Bentley versus Benz. But seriously, some sort of messaging around driving skill and safety and self-control would probably be in everyone’s best interest. Make it part of the rookie orientation week. I drove like a total douche when I was 20, and I only had 160 horses on hand. Put 500 or so under my foot and I would have needed some lessons on how not to kill somebody. Actually, upon further reflection, I definitely could have used those lessons.
So, c’mon NBA! Let’s make it some fun-times kinda learning. Infineon Raceway. Warriors versus Kings. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
For whatever it’s worth, Tyreke pleaded no contest and got a somewhat ambiguous three-year “informal” probation to go along with 80 hours of “alternative sentencing” and 30 days of no license. This last is truly cruel in Sactown. I like my idea better. NBA track days would rule. No embarrassing videos of players getting hemmed up by the cops at gunpoint. Just the roar of the motors, and the unchecked enthusiasm that invariably comes when youth and horsepower come together. In a place where I’m not on the road obliviously doing 65. And where they have fire extinguishers. And on-site medical people. And old men who tell you stories that might slow you down a bit.
What’s up with San Jose? Seriously, are they so desperate for another professional sports team that they’re willing to piss off, not only some hardcore Oakland A’s fans and The San Francisco Giants organization, but also Bud Selig and pretty much all of Major League Baseball. Plus, on top of that, I just read this which basically describes San Jose as The Jersey Shore but with guys who scored 800 on their Math SAT. I also recently learned that San Jose is known as “Man Jose” because it’s a statistical fact that there are 5,793 men for every 100 women there. It’s like Alaska if Alaska were filled with guys who scored 800 on their Math SAT.
It makes it even worse because San Jose is, for the most part, just kicking Oakland when we’re down. They know that they have a large population of overpaid “geek/bros” (see above) who would be more than happy to shell out top dollar to watch baseball and high five each other until their hands hurt too much to play World of Warcraft. The Oakland A’s, on the other hand, even despite having Money Ballin’ Brad Pitt in the house this summer, are pretty much the Cleveland of baseball teams. I mean, if Cleveland wasn’t the Cleveland of baseball teams (see attendance numbers). So, in terms of chasing the almighty dollar, you could see why “Scrillacon Valley” would be more appealing to Lew Wolff than “The Town.” But, like Cleveland, we have a small but scrappy fan base that’s not afraid to let its opinions be known. Check out this excellent slide show for proof. So, c’mon San Jose, does another poor Volvo need to be ghostridden just to get you to stop this assholery? Don’t make us bring back Ben and Nate. Seriously, Don’t make us do it. Okay, you made us do it. (With apologies to Big Cleezy)
The good folks over at Joe Sports Fan dot com figured out another way to enjoy tonight’s game. That’s right peeps, bingo. But not just any bingo. This is white basketball player cliche bingo! Without going into much more on that, I’ll just point you to the appropriate link to cop four cards to enhance your viewing experience. Here you go.
Nice job, Joe.
Turman
PS. Duke senior Brian Zoubek was quoted in today’s Herald Sun telling all who would listen to, “Fear the beard.” Hey man, first Jacob Pullen and now this? Make the jump for the whole exchange. Read More »
After a brief hiatus, we now resume our regularly scheduled absurdity to report on the firing of Clippers GM Mike Dunleavy, Sr. Why wasn’t he fired as GM when he was relieved of his coaching duties some weeks back? Is there a long-term solution being lined up? Or does Donald Sterling just like being unpredictable because it adds to his air of being a mysterious and incompetent owner.
Personally, I think that Baron Davis’ beard would make a fine GM for the Clippers. Boom’s Beard has proven to add valuable swagger when clutch decisions are needed. It’s basketball IQ is off the chart. And if it can make Chris Kaman an all-star, well, I think that seals the deal. Besides, I would pay good American Dollars to hear David Stern say on draft day: “…And with the eleventh pick, Boom’s Beard and the Los Angeles Clippers select…”
When I first caught wind of this, I was sort of pissed off. I mean seriously. Come on college kids. Think of your own damn concept. But no. You take the name. The PaperBeard™ idea. Certain graphical elements. And yeah. Did I get an e-mail? Nope. A “Hey, we’ve got this really rad bearded point guard and we want to borrow your concept for a few months? Is that cool?” Not so much.
Not cool, Kansas State. Not cool.
On the other hand, I’m not all that perturbed really. Jacob Pullen, the bearded point guard in question, clearly has ignited fan interest in a team that just knocked off highly ranked rival Texas last week, before dropping one to Oklahoma State. They’re eleventh in the country. Their best player has signature facial hair. And half of the home crowd has on a PaperBeard™ during the game. I can’t really hate on that. As much as I would have liked for FTB to be consulted before the hijacking, there’s so much that’s right about this that I’m more inclined to get on the Pullen bandwagon. I mean seriously, how can I not look at the scene and want to pull for them? How many people can turn on the TV and see a prominent college baller rocking an Abe Lincoln beard on his way to 19 points a game with the student section wearing PaperBeard™ and t-shirt ideas stolen from them?
Well, three of us at least.
In fact, I’ll probably start following and covering their games every once in a while. They play Baylor tonight. Not sure where that finds a home on my 800 channels of hoops but I’ll poke around. They sit third in the big 12, where often annoyingly sanctimonious Kansas teams always rule with an iron fist. I’ll do some more scouting on Pullen, but the short is that he’s an explosive six footer originally from Illinois. Maybe I’ll even call the PR department over there in Manhattan Kansas and see if I can get an interview request through. Or a couple of press passes and a Fun Saver fare on Southwest.
After all, they do owe us something.
Turman
Props to the bloggers at (irony alert) Larry Brown Sports for connecting the dots for me.
I’ve got some hate. Hate toward whistles. Specifically, this kind. The kind that slam the brakes on an interesting basketball game and turn it into a contest of who can ram themselves into someone most effectively while simulating a shooting motion. It is the worst thing about this sport. Honestly, when your best offensive option turns into throwing the ball over the backboard in a vainglorious attempt to draw a foul, there is a bigger problem.
Watchability.
This was supposed to be a big-deal game. Warriors versus the Cleveland Labrons and the Labronettes. Only game against them at home. Instead, I could have been watching a free-throw contest between the Skyline High junior varsity and Mistah FAB versus Akron JC plus Kid Cudi. And I would have found greater entertainment value from the latter.
Memo to the league: if a game has two teams combine to shoot 70 free throws, the whistle is the star. This is not a good thing. Can I have those three hours back please? Because that’s too much time to waste on a non-overtime, regular-season game that whistles dominate. For no reason. Seriously. I just want basketball.
Turman
PS. Side note. Town biz. Why’d Mistah FAB catch sideline vapors of off LeBron? Fabby. You’re from Tha Town! You’re supposed to be talking bad to him if you’re in the front row, not jocking yourself because he knows who you are. For real. Especially if you said you were going to get in his head. Bron played you, player!
