“Welcome to Berkeley: Now please stop doing that!”

09.28.2008 | 7:50 pm | Beard up Bay Area, East Bay Grease, Pogonophobia, Town Business

Let me begin by saying that I will only go to The Berkeley Bowl if I am the last survivor of a bacterial pandemic apocalypse and all my other shopping options have been overrun by flesh-eating zombies. This is by choice. However, for my friend Raphael Breines, he’s been eighty-sixed from The Bowl for life, so if he does want a Zululand Queen Pineapple in the future, he’s going to have to wait for The End Times to get it. More about Raphael in a minute.

The above quote was a suggested bumper sticker slogan from a Berkeley resident interviewed in a recent LA Times article about The Berkeley Bowl (yes, shocking that the LA Times would highlight one of the most annoying aspects of our precious Northern California culture). The article was more specifically about The Berkeley Bowl’s new policy to hand out lifetime bans to people who are caught “tasting” food before buying it - especially the produce. Which is an interesting shopping predicament, given that nearly 50% of the produce is of the “?” variety. Don’t know what a Chocolate Persimmon tastes like? Too bad, and if you nibble, you will be dealt with.

And that’s pretty much what happened to my friend (well, more a friend-of-a-friend, just so you don’t think I fraternize with criminals). Yes, The Berkeley Bowl has made my bearded friend, Raphael Breines, the Winona Ryder of pears. But I got to give it up to my man here for putting himself on Front Street  to expose the absurdity of this whole thing. He’s quoted in most of these stories, including going on-camera for this CBS 5 interview. Raphie’s an upstanding, family-type guy. He designs public parks for Chrissakes, and The Bowl is going to make an example of him - a produce pariah?

Such is the dilemma of living in Berkeley in the 21st Century. It’s filled with self-righteous yoga mat huggers, and baby boomer ex-hippies who act, in their own way, just as entitled as retirees at a Palms Springs country club. So, I feel for the employees and managers of Berkeley Bowl who got to put up with these a@#holes, but then to respond with some Procrustean Law (Raphie wrote a letter of apology to be reinstated, but was declined) is so, well, so un-Berkeley. And if you watch the CBS5 Video, you’ll find out about a dude who got banned for putting too much milk and sugar in his coffee. Really? How much f-ing milk and sugar could he possibly be putting in his cup of coffee for it to be considered theft? Seriously people. That’s weak sauce - extra weak sauce. You can find it on Aisle 3 next to the Haterade and don’t even think about trying it before buying it. I await the comments of my Berkeley-residing colleagues.

M. Meschery