Dennis Richmond retires, little known “facts” emerge.

05.21.2008 | 9:51 pm | East Bay Grease, Town Business

Facts. Dennis Richmond was born in 1943. Dennis Richmond is a Vietnam vet. Dennis Richmond’s first job at KTVU was as a typist. Dennis Richmond studied journalism at Columbia. Dennis Richmond broadcast the aftermath of the 1989 Loma-Prieta Earthquake from the Channel 2 parking lot. Dennis Richmond went on a ride-along with the Blue Angels without throwing up. Dennis Richmond has been in four movies. Dennis Richmond lives in San Ramon.

Other facts. Dennis Richmond’s mustache is made of a super-light carbon fiber weave commonly used in high-performance cars. Dennis Richmond does not blink. Because he can’t. An assistant puts Visine in his eyes at commercials. After telecasts Dennis Richmond drinks a blend of Grey Goose and Arctic Freeze Gatorade he likes to call the “Midnight Rambler.” Dennis Richmond once beat Mark Ibanez unconscious at a commercial break with a sack of oranges. Dennis Richmond has done the news while sleeping. Twice. Dennis Richmond has a jet pack that he only uses in the most dire emergencies in order to broadcast “on location.” Dennis Richmond got really yoked in the 1980s when he started working out and gave his old suits (see above) to my boy Hank so he could teach English in Japan with dignity.

Okay, the last one was real. Dennis, you will be missed. I have no idea what manner of Botox margaritas you’re drinking at Yoshi’s after work, but I can’t believe you’re 65 in a couple of days. I’m pretty sure you could kick my ass just by saying, “Turman, I’m going to kick your ass,” in that patented Richmond gravitas. But anyway, you’ve been the Kent Brockman of the Bay for as long as I can remember. And my grandfather used to run KRON 4. Ponder for a minute all of the anchors who have run through that shop in the time you’ve been holding it down. From Fred LaCoss to Pete Wilson and then some. Good show D. We at the FTB will miss you. It’s only a couple of minutes to 10:00 and I’m sad already.

Turman

PS. Yo, Dennis, do me a favor though and put in a good word for my boy John Sasaki on your way out the door. Berkeley High represent!

PPS. Stupid Spurs. Way to lose your momentum straight out of the gate. Must have been the crappy night’s sleep you got when David Stern grounded your plane. That would be my excuse anyway. Now Stern, stop messing with the FAA.