Bay Area, beard up!

03.6.2008 | 12:01 am | Beard up Bay Area, Great Beards in History, Keys to Victory, Pogonophobia, The Warriors, The X Factor, Town Business

It’s on. Boom Dizzle himself is sponsoring a beard growing contest at www.ibeatyou.com. It’s going down BD. I’m not only going to give you solid run for beardosity, I am officially laying down a challenge to the entire Bay Area: beard up.They thought yellow shirts and a slogan were big? Wait until Charles, Kenny and EJ step into an Oracle filled with wild-ass, basketball knowledgeable Kimbo Slice look-alikes. Better still, wait until Tony Parker looks up and sees Eva sitting there amidst the bearded masses for this year’s first round playoff upset of record. Oh, it’s really on.

In protest of the lack of Warrior representation at the all-star festivities and in the name of the two-month dash to the Western Conference playoffs, I stopped shaving two and a half weeks ago. Now, you done did it. I’ve had just enough time to give you some serious run. But the real reason it’s serious, is because it ain’t just me. This is my two-week man moss. But we at FTB got squad.

Our starting five: Matthew “Mad Russian Jr.” Meschery is subject to thug it up like his dad; Gd “The Goat” is on Photoshop detail; Mike “The Chin” Meezy is hoisting up beard-themed playoff anthems; and Mic “Carpet Fo’ Life” Blake has so much beard he mumbles when he talks. By playoff time, our bench might be thousands deep.

Your starting five needs to get it crackin’, holmes. Jax has the pencil ‘stache; Monta is grappling with a little something on the chin; Biedrins has only coiffure; and C-Webb needs to be talked into un-retiring his whiskers. Five on five, we’ll take you. But that isn’t the thing either. This is one we can all win.

Imagine the pure crazy of Raiders fans. Now imagine it multiplied by the wildness of the old-school A’s. Rollie Fingers? Reggie? C’mon! And then add the unholy spirit of those throwback unis you love. That title was won after a bearded coach Attles came off the bench to fight Wes Unseld! This has NBA title potential, Boom. Work with us here. If this nets out perfectly, you’ll be the real winner. Get on the chuck wagon. Trust us. This will serve you well in the Conference Finals. Are you kidding me? A fully-bearded Oracle?

Welcome to Oaktimidationland. Now get your two-losses-havin’ asses back on your armored bus for the ride back to the OAK. Feel me?

Now, for me, I decided on All-Star Sunday. I’m not shaving this thing until the Dubs are either NBA Champions, bounced from the playoffs or eliminated from playoff contention. I’ll let y’all crush me in the comments for the appropriate nickname. But pretty much any way you slice this, I’m in it for the next six weeks or so. Minimum. And this thing is alive. It’s like having an effing badger glued to my face. I’m probably calling my day-gig credibility into question, but I’m not tripping. BD, by playoff time, we’ll be battling. You’re famous and all. I’ll give you that. And then there’s a pretty decent likelihood you’ll be killing Bruce Bowen to increase your Q rating, while I’ll still be writing about beards and basketball, but I’m going to give you some run. I’ve got squad. I’ve got the URL. I’ve got sponsorship from www.beardcareproducts.com (reviews forthcoming!). And by April, we’ll both have a bearded Bay Area at our disposal.

But in the words of the esteemed Rod Benson, come playoff time my beard is going to be “ready like spaghetti” and “in there like swimwear.” For the rest of you, I have but three little words.

Beard up, bitches!

Turman

PS. Send pictures of Bay Area Dubfan beardosity to tips@fearthebeard.org. The best will be honored appropriately.