Why Republicans should grow beards.

12.17.2007 | 5:20 pm | Great Beards in History, Obama for Prez, Pogonophobia

We here at FTB have already announced who we’re endorsing for president in the coming election. Yes, we’ll be ridin’ with Baron and Oprah in the Obamamobile - feel the breeze. However, since I’m that kind of guy, I’d like to reach across the aisle and offer the Republican challengers a bit of advice - GROW A BEARD. Let’s face it, the last time Republicans were cool, they all had beards, Lincoln, Grant, Teddy Roosevelt. OK, Roosevelt didn’t have a beard, but he had a pretty bad-ass mustache. The Republican candidates today like to talk tough, but they look about as intimidating as Principal Skinner.

Facial hair could solve this image problem. Imagine John McCain rocking some man-moss? If it were up to me, I’d give McCain the full “Born on The 4th of July Makeover.” If The Straight Talk Express were a wheelchair and McCain was rockin’ some fatigues with bullet holes in them and had a 70’s David Crosby mustache, he could just roll his ass into the White House right now. He wouldn’t even have to wait for ‘09.

And what about Giuliani? All it would take is a big bushy Paul Bunyan to exchange his slick urban image for that of the rugged Midwestern Everyman. And Mike Huckabee? With a last name like Huckabee, not only should you have a beard, but you should also wear a top hat, have a pet monkey and be able to time travel. Of course the beard would have worked a lot better back when he was fat Huckabee. I’m not seein’ it now that he’s all skinny, but Abe Lincoln was a bean pole, so he might want to try the Honest Abe look. Speaking of bearded Republicans, Chuck Norris supports Huckabee. It’s a good thing for us Democrats that Norris doesn’t run for president. He’s got the full package - cowboy hat, beard, ass-kicking skills. Shit, if Chuck Norris ran for president, we might have to get Kimbo Slice to be Obama’s running mate.

Note: The only Republican who should not grow a beard is Mitt Romney. The less he looks like Brigham Young, the better.

M. Meschery